i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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