i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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