I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
