im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
