I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
jump out the window naked night went bad
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
