Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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