In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
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he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
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Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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