it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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