i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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