the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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