you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
