why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
