Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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