I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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