you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
