Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
