We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
