I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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