I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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