She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
