A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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