I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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