How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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