Umm I'm too high to move.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
