Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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