At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
