just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
