just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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