I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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