I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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