drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
