This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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