I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
