I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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