pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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