some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
