just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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