Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
