Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
