Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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