New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
