Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
