this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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