I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
