Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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