.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
