apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
