Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
