My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
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i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
50% drunk capacity currently
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Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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