Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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