Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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