How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
