cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
