Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
