My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
