Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
