Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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