I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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