So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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